9-6-2013 Break Ups and Weight Loss

So my now ex boyfriend was away for a week visiting his family and the night after he came back he came over to visit. I gave him a slice of homemade coffee cake and baked cookies, and heated him up some of my leftovers.

I’m the type of person who likes to avoid conversations that I know will upset me and I knew it was coming so I did my best to just steer the conversation in other directions. Until he said, “I want to, but-” and I told him to shut up, I didn’t want to have this conversation.

I was PMS-ing, which I had mentioned to him earlier and I had missed my boyfriend so I wanted it to be a good, relaxing evening. Instead we spent a few hours in his car, both of us crying and me yelling a lot, until we went inside and was silent for a good couple more hours.

He took me to his apartment for one last night together and I packed up some of my clothes that I had kept at his place. When he tried to hug me goodbye, I wouldn’t let him. I turned into the old me. The cold-hearted ice queen who doesn’t let anyone touch her and uses her humor as a defense mechanism and will not beat around the bush when it comes to opinions.

Yesterday night he picked me up so I could grab the rest of my things, although he’s supposed to be bringing me my desk today. We ended up crashing while watching Workaholics together and in the morning, he said, “You’re making me regret my decision.” “You should, because you’re gonna come crawling back in a couple months.”

I know my value, and I also know that if someone can’t stick through my hard times and just be there for me, instead of trying to fix me, then they aren’t worth my time. I gave up drinking because of him, when I should have done it for myself. I decided to enroll in college because he said I should get a real education.

I didn’t want to change for anybody. It should have been for myself. I started running for myself. I started doing pilates for myself. I do music and art, for myself. I blog as therapy.

It isn’t fair of him to want me to change when months before he had said he wanted to marry me. I’m not like some toy that runs out of batteries and can easily be fixed. I’m a human with problems and I deal with them on my own.

A couple weeks ago before he had gone on his trip, I had said I was going to look amazing by the time he came back. He had said that I wouldn’t change that much in the course of a couple weeks. On our last night as a couple, before bed he noticed that I had lost a good amount of weight. He said I looked perfect and asked me how I did it.

“I kept running.” Now he can watch me running away from him. It’ll take a long time for him to catch up to me.

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About vagabondrunning

I am a 23 year old female alcoholic attempting to get healthy for the millionth time. I'm a baker at a donut shop, so there's temptation everywhere. I'm also a writer and I move a lot. I'm just a whole lot of insane.
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